Was working on Math in the Kitchen with the apartment door opened and Ed said something or knocked - can no longer recall which - turned around and he started walking in and pointed to his shoes and he started to back up - asked if he would he take off his shoes to come in and he said I have bad news and said "what?" and he said, "your chicken is dead."
And just like you always here everyone say around death … it did not register … it did not click - just started walking out the door and Ed was following - walked to the backyard - scanning for her but the this body was just going in the direction of where she was, even though there was no thought to where she was.
Spotted her on the ground and started crying and with each step closer it got more and more overwhelming and then like watching a movie in slow motion … she was in these arms she was not moving, she was not alive and this sobbing began ... like what is happening right now as this is typed … it just poured out over and over in waves of agony. It is not even pain - it is raw absolute emptiness.
Picked her up and she was limp - put her to my chest and put my hand out when the landlord came near as if to say "get away." Still cannot speak … Pete (our Dog) followed close and came right up to the stairs of the apartment with me - couldn’t carry him and Marma up the stairs together ... left him down there and came up and sat in the chair with her pressed to my chest ... just sobbing and sobbing and my baby my girl my only girl I’m so sorry I’m so sorry - I did not protect you.
Cannot even say the Love that is here ... from her - for her. Holding her just holding her to my body all night she slept on my chest all night and these waves would come up and overwhelm me and there was a call out into the emptiness. Laid there for hours with her in my arms - someone eventually let Pete in and he stayed in the room with us. All these thoughts flood what will I do ... where will I bury her … all comes ... wait and see.
So many times there was such empty clarity. Just feeling all the love that this little life has brought into mine. All the moments … so many many moments we have shared. Slept with her last night like I did for the first month she came into my life. She didn’t poop on me this time (smile through the tears). Have not cried like this since Mark died. You know you are not ever going to see that one again … not like this. This morning - got up but could not barely move it was around 3am there was no mind to get math done or Music and even now as this is typed the head is so heavy.
Did not get up for Meditation but laid there with her on the Lovesac and thought of MyTeacher. Couldn’t get up again for quite sometime but around 8:30am - did get up and wanted to wrap Marma in something because she hardening and was starting to smell badly. It makes it even more real that I will not see her smiling eyes at me will not feel her bright energy…her aliveness … her wonder of looking at life through her eyes.
What to wrap her in??? It comes up Susi’s India Shawl because it is what has been covering Marma’s cage in every night since getting one. Feeling of being such a failure and want a piece of the blanket too because it is Susi and it is Marma…it is … cut it in half and fold it and wrap it around my precious little bird. She looks so peaceful like when we are coming back from our walk and she is falling asleep in my hands she looks like that. Bundle her up just like a baby and take her back in my arms…it is like the death of my daughter. No one will ever know how much I love her. How she changed how I see the world, relate to the world ... how much more accepting I am because of her. She is the Greatest of Teachers this little bird. This bird that the whole world wants to kill…gave nothing but life to me. One year. One Year is all we had.
Let Pete out to go to the bathroom - had to put her in a basket in the Meditation area. There was a card at the door “from Ed...to my friend” you don’t realize how important the little things are until you find them on your doorstep. Wasn’t going to look at any technology today but then found myself grabbing the ipad and saw that a text had come through at 8pm last night (He had Heard) … these little things are huge at times like these.
The head feels like 1000 pounds and Marma's body is starting to really smell badly and know I won’t be able to hold her much longer.
You know how much you love someone when death comes. You may have thought you knew how much before, but you completely know when it comes. Would not trade a minute of having Marma in my life to ease any pain…this is the most beautiful pain ever. This is the truth of the saying “Beauty in the Pain.” This is the Gift of Loving. Loving in spite of what people think or say. They may call you names because you Love. They may point and call you weird because you carry a bird, a chicken down the street in your arms each day ... cause you know she loves to go for the walk. You don’t even want to miss the walk cause she loves it so much. And you have her clucking at you every morning at 6am saying let’s go … move it on out. And that is no more. No more weird looks or people talking…everything will look normal from the outside but it is not normal now … it was normal to have her in my arms … it is not normal to not to.
This is not an easy day. A Day After Death Knocks.