The Green Canvas Journal
 (1998 to 2012)

(Editor’s Note:  This is the beginning of taking a big risk and just jumping out of the plane not knowing if the chute will open.  But whoever is reading this, if I have the right to ask for anything at all ... it would be that you read these words with an open mind and open Heart.  That the one sharing it is fragile, like we all are, yet is willing to share intimately with you. 

The writings you find on these pages is a conversation between Love and fear.  Everyone has had this conversation so you can read this journal as if you wrote it (because you actually did, but maybe you don’t know yet who you Are, which will make that statement confusing for a brief time).  There are not two things Love/Fear but it can seem that way in this world and so that is how this conversation can be read, ultimately Love has no opposite.

1998 10.10 – Sunday

A new beginning…a new thought system … I am …

1998 10.13 – Tuesday

Why is it after all you have shown me as Truth, I can still remain in doubt and fear?

Because you choose not to experience it.  The light bulb goes on and you say “ah-ha! I can see.”  Yet you choose not to “see” within the world.  You still fear rejection of others.  When you find yourself sharing and seeing in light you run away turn your back and hide in the fear of doubts about yourself.

Due not continue to play this game of guilt and fear unless it brings you happiness and love.  You know in Truth this can never be.

You believe that society is not ready for your knowledge that belief keeps you separate and makes you feel somehow more special or above them  You know in your quiet mind that all that is “is” for everyOne.

There has never been a question raised by you that I have not answered in full Truth ~ yet still your questons come after the fact.  Try asking your questions aas your problems arise and I will bring you continued peace.  You must learn to quiet your mind in all circumstances, not just the times when you set a moment aside to speak with me.

I am always here.  You have never once in eternity been alone. 

You create the thoughts that make you believe you are alone at times.  In quiet peace of mind you will hear all that “is” at anytime you choose to do so.  Stop choosing against yourself.  I will never fail to answer you.  Let go and be…

1998 10.17 – 11:22pm – Saturday

Thank you God/Me for showing mySelf to mySelf today.  What a joyous day, it was/is.  Let me hold Alan, John , Dan, Rick, Larry, Norma, Barbara, Anne, John, Margaret, Jim and Joy in the experience that we shared today….the love that was expressed the beauty that was/is us.

1998 10.17 – 11:55pm – Saturday

God I do not want to read a book right now to hear your Truth.  I must know that my experience is the true vision I can see this illusion through.  I want to bring that love and peace and completeness to this illusion.  Is this possible?

It is not only possible but it is now right now this instant and forever Now.

Then why do I feel as though it is not now?

Because this is what you choose.

Then how do I choose differently?

By choosing differently.

Then God I surrender because I don’t know how.

Oh but my dear one…you do…you do know…just by saying surrender you know just what to do ~ but don’t just say it my love be it ~ be Joy Self  in absolute surrender ~ let go of everything ~ hold nothing ~ let go and be God.  I have not lied to you ~ you are not God some of the time … you are and forever will be who you are right now and that is Me/God/You.  You may still choose not to see who you are because you fear being more than you have limited yourself to be ~ but I say again and again and again … you cannot change Truth.

I love you God – Thank You.

1998 10.18 -  8:56pm – Sunday

Once again I thank you for showing me an incredibly beautiful day…thank you for John…his beauty showed me my own.

What would you like to know tonight Joy?

Why do I limit mySelf?

Because you fear Joy ~ you fear knowing who you are ~ you fear this more than you allow yourself to admit.  You’re afraid that being me means that there is no more to existence but you are not seeing Truth, my child you are seeing fear.  Look at the fear and comeback to talk with me some more.

Will do J!

Explain illusion of reality to me….

Yes everything you “see” is in an illusion ~ this illusion seems very real to you.  But this seems  to bring guilt to you that you cannot “see” through this illusion that you created.  Don’t bring guilt to yourself for not understanding what you have yet to understand.  Enjoy this illusion ~ make it not your goal to escape it.  For not “seeing” the illusion is not the greatest gift for you in this present moment.  The greatest gift you will receive where you are at is to learn to remain in the present and enjoy it.  You are a creator because you are God ~ so create what your TrueSelf knows as Truth about you.  Create beauty ~ create love ~ create peace and harmony.

There are many levels to this illusion.  We have created it this way so we can experience ourSelf.  You understand there is no time, keep that as your Truth in your present mind.

The illusion will dissolve as you begin to see it as not serving a purpose in Truth or the pursuit of Truth.

Illusion is experience that is all it is.  You are experiencing yourself thought illusion.  You are doing nothing wrong.  You can never do anyting wrong or right it is just being and experiencing Truth about yourself.  When you do or see or say something that does not connect with your Truth you call it wrong ~ when you do or see or say something that does connect with your Truth you call it right.

I say to you again and again there is no right or wrong only experience only experiencing the Truth within yourself.

Yes there is still apart of you that is unsure that this is an illusion ~ it seems complicated to you and you still fear that you have made up even talking with me/you.  It is okay to feel this way ~ this is part of your experience.  Your skepticism will only validate Truth for you.  You are on the path to your TrueSelf, which is me/you…because there is no other way.

Thank you God/me/Joy/us/world you are beautiful.

1998 10.21 – Wednesday

Guide me back to Truth … I feel so far from who I am.

You are not far ~ look at your thoughts~ are they not negatively repeating themselves?  Remember always that you cannot forget who you are ~ you can only have the ability to deny who you are.  Free your mind from your negative thinking…you can change everything with one thought and that is “love.”

You are love, you are light, you are living the Truth of who you are.

1998 11.01 – November, Sunday

Ahhh…I spent the last 14 days here on here avoiding mySelf…it feels great to be partially awake again.  What fear I’ve experienced fear of loss of my job, friends, Mark, the boys and total fear of mySelf, which in Truth that is all there is huh?

So what next Self?  What Truth shall I awaken to now?

Joy ~ you thought of death today as life ~ this is the Truth ~ you are dead right now and the Truth is … you fear being alive.  Thee is so much more to awaken to and this will all come to you.  Believe in your Truths.  Pick a highest Truth about yourself and believe in it fully and awakening to that Truth will occur.  Be no longer a part of death and see what Truth really is.  There is no Hell.  There is no ugliness there is no death ~ because you are dead right now and you believe you are living.  So the Truth is there is no death.  Dead is a state of mind, a level of thought.  Chagne your thougths and live in Truth.  You are the light…you are love.  You are creatation, you are Onesness … you are Joy!

1998 11.02 – November – Monday

Why is it that many find themselves satisfied with not knowing more abot existence than the little that they know…why do they not question reality such as I do?

They fear not being answered.  They are afraid to go within because they do not want to face the Truth…they hide about themselves ~ yet remember that you could not see this in them were you not experiencing the same as them.  Their fear is no different than your own.

How do I make my dreams come true?

By not seeing it as a dream…by living every single moment as you wish.

Why do I get lost?

You are not lost…never were..you Are!  That’s all there is!  You are what you choose to be each instant…you are light … always have been always will be…yet how often do you choose to show who you Are?

If I am God as you say, then why am I afraid of Being God … why don’t I just be what I Am?

Good question…why don’t you?

Ugh!  Ugh!  Ugh!  Stop making it seem so fucking simple!

Angry eh?

Yes…I am angry!

At what?

At You!

Which is what?

mySelf.

Why are you angry at yourself?

Because I am not being You/Me/Whoever!

And now your sad?

I don’t know what I am!

You know, you Know.

Help me…..please.

You need no help.  Nothing will ever change the Truth about you.  NO matter what illusion you create…anger you think you feel…sadness that makes you cry…nothing will ever change who you are.  You picked this illusion …  you wanted to know pain…you wanted to know sickness…you wanted to know what it is like to find your way back to who you are thorugh this illusion…you knew you would succeed…you wanted to feel pain because it reminds you of pure pleasure … it allows you to know what pleasure is.  You choose to stay low to know your height.  You are all things.

So you are saying I choose imperfection to know perfection?

I am saying you are perfection.  I’m saying you are perfection and cannot change that…and that is your struggle…you struggle to be what you are not to know what you are.

Ok then…when will I know?

When you choose to Know.

I hate this circular shit.

Yeah right … you love it!

Ok I do.

Just enjoy yourself no matter where you are at…if you are miserable than enjoy your misery.  If you are happy enjoy our happiness.  Just enjoy this experience…that is why you are here.  Share that with others to share it with yourself.

1998 11.09 – Sunday – How Do I let go and be…

I am in surrender.  I acknowledge my oneness.  My heart remembers that I am only love and there is nothing more I need do … nothing but be be…that is all there is…being oneness … being the love and peace and joy that I am.  I want nor need nothing of this world…I surrender it all.  This world needs nothing of me.  I surrender every thought of error I surrender every belief … I surrender…I surrender.

I see myself denying the dream but at least I see it!  It is only You within me the illusion…how silly it is to fear yet I must for I am still here in the dream…Dreaming that I live can only make me laugh..it makes me laugh that I fear it is a dream in which I think I must escape.  There is no escape…I am not trapped here.  I can only dream I am.  With each illusion I dissolve, I see yet another and yet another but I see them.

Even seeing happiness in the dream is still dreaming it…even when I think you are experiencing yourself through the dream … I am only dreaming that.  The ego has 1,000 dreams to keep the dream dreaming but in Truth…there isn’t even a dream.

1998 11, 26 – Thursday – Thanksgiving

Today is Thanksgiving although everyday is…today is the day we eat and drink and give thanks for what we have.  I found mySelf wondering what it is that I am thankful for and found that I am thankful that this is only a dream and that I am One.  I am thankful that my TrueSelf has not forgetten that it is the light that is and can only be fully w/o void.  I am thankful that Oneness is not being alone…but being pure.  I am thankful that the awakening process has begun or shall I say always been.  I am thankful that it I impossible for mySelf to fail. 

I am in total thanks.

1998 12.13 – Sunday – 7:07 pm

I know.  I know.  I’ve been away from you for a bit…but here I am now in the present moment, where in Truth is where I forever am.

Thank you.  Thank you, for bringing or me bringing all the recent experience to me.  How it is all coming together.  I thought all this time I’d been working towards a goal I didn’t want…yet somehow I knew I did want it…and then a part of my thought system believed I would give up my individuality to live in the Truth of who I Am, which is you…yet another part continually reminded me that that was impossible … just as I once choose to be in full Truth and experience mySelf in Truth and then choose not to know mySelf once again… that is how it forever is.

-        You got it.

Yes…yes…yes…I got it and I got it forever…I am choosing everything I experience.  Wow what incredible freedom in that.  I now choose to choose my thoughts more carefully…will you help?

-        Always

God I love you … I love what I am.

-        I know.

Shall we begin to bring in the reinforcements?

-        Yes.  Shall you choose shall it be J.

This is Grand…I no longer feel sacrifice or loss.

-        Yes.

Thank you Neale Donald Walsh for printing all that we all already know…each line I read I’ve already wrote…remembered or said … yet you validate for me …for we are One…my friend…Thank God for that!

-        Yes.

1999 01.04

Hi God.

-        Hi Joy.

I’ve been avoiding you.

-        I know.

I meant to write last night.

-        I know.

I feel like I’ve been going in circles.

-        You have.

 

-        Your still calling your own terms…forgetting that our goals are One.  All that you are searching for is only waiting for your remembrance.  You feel for a moment and then you hide.  Let go…find yourself.

1999 01.06

I know without a doubt that I can awaken in the smallest instant to who I am…to everything of all.

I know I came here for something else.  Why did I came here for I’d not like to think I came here for nothing…I must have wanted to accomplish something.

1999 01.09 – Saturday…

Since I was young, I’ve wanted to get into the field of Service…it’s now almost 13 years gone by and I am still not filling my dreams…will I ever listen?



-        Yes.


-        You listen more than you think you do… the question your asking is without a clear picture of what you have already accomplished.  Do ou not service your children?  Have you not given service to your friends?  Your family?  Your work?

Yes I have and do that, but I mean more…like more fulfilling to me.  Maybe like couselling or writing a book….will you help open the doors for me?

-        They’ve never been closed.

Then will you help me to see? 

-        I always am…but you need to open your eyes.

I will then…open my eyes that is.

1999 01.24

I do not perceive my own best Interest – Lesson 24 of ACIM.  In the situation involving going to Saraguo Lake (Arizona) I would like an enjoyable day to happen and peace to happen but I do not perceive my own best interest in this situation.  I say that and yet I do not understand what I am asking.  I think I am looking for peace and joy in the world and in mySelf, yet I see it in neither.  I am running scared and not knowing what I fear.  I have absolutely no idea what I want nor what I am doing here.  I have no concepts that man anything.  I think I want peace and then I go and create havoic.  I think I want joy and I make myself unhappy.  I am incredibly confused and yet I choose not to listen to guidance given me.  I feel it coming through and I block it.  I never perceive my own best interest this I know.

Then let go joy and do nothing and I will give you what you truly want and Are!  Let go of all thoughts ~ keep a blank mind today and just be guided.  (I’ll do my best – no – don’t do anything).  Ok  ~Joy

1999 02.08

In a few short hours, I will have been living in the illusion for 28 years.  28 years of validating untruth.  And yet I feel as though truth is just an instant away, yet so far to grasp.

I am frightened that I will not know who I am.  That I will just play out the dream until I can’t bare it any longer.  I feel I have nothing to contribute to the world yet I know this is a good thing because the world cannot possibly be real.  I don’t know how I know .. I just do.  I feel as if I have played a trick on myself that can’t hold forever.  I will be free.  I will.

1999 02.09 – Tuesday

The Course asks what do I treasure and how much do I treasure it?  I treasure Peace … so much that I create havoc to experience it.  There must be a better way.  It says the Atonement can only be accepted within you by releasing the inner Light.  Where is my Light?  I saw it once…it was incredible…I did not know it was I yet I know.

God ~ I want to know you again…I can’t explain why I deny you in my mind…yet I know you wait for me…with love beyond my imagination.

You are Love Joy.

Yes I am and I know not yet how to express what I am. 

You do ~ people see you more as you are than you see yourself…lay down your self judgments … your beliefs in your sin and you will see more Truth of you.

But my mind races and claws to be what I am not and I lose myself in thoughts of fear and discontentment.

Yet you are still on your way to remembering for there is no other.

1999 02.11 – Thursday

God thank you so for inspiring me to write the “Valentine’s Day Letter” to the women in my life…it was an incredible gift and I hope it brings the Love and Joy to their hearts as it has mine.  You are my Strength and Vision is an incredible Gift Thank You.

1999 02.13 – Saturday

God is the Light in which I see.   I need this.  I do.  I’m not able to focus during meditation like I have in the past…too many distractions both within and without.

1999 02.13 – Saturday

My inner guides me to write Jay today…because he has given so much.

Dearest Jay,

My sweet, caring friend.  I am writing you today because I feel the need to express my gratitude to you for all that you have given to me.  You see Jay, many of this world feel that the material gifts given will experess the feelings in their hearts and minds, yet so much is left unsaid in doing so.  You have given so many wonderful Material gifts to me and I think you whole heartedly for each one.  But the greatest gifts you have given … have poured out from your heart.  I have told you on many occasions that you are a great teacher of mine.  You have helped to teach me many of the truths of unconditional love. 

You see you entered my life shortly before the Course and many of the lessons that first year were both inspiriting and difficult to understand.  You helped me grow in so many ways but especially in the sense of giving love.  I loved you way before we met…but when we did meet in physical form…you scared me.  You scared me because I saw how much love you had to give and yet how little of it you had experienced or shall I say accepted for yourself.  I saw all this beauty and kindness and gentleness within you waiting to explode out into the world and I feared what would be asked of me when it did ~ silly me. 

I realize so little at that time.  I did not know the gifts you would bring ~ because I wrapped myself up in what I thought you may take.  Yet you, my dear, dear, friend ~ became the constant giver…even when I blocked your gifts and did not return them openly.  You showed me that all yiu are is beauty, gentleness and love and in time, I remembered that you were asking nothing of me but to accept the Truth of who you really are.  I have never in my life received a more divine gift than the gift of who you are and have learned from you how to open my heart and give and revecive in absolute perfect light and love.

Thank you my dear friend ~ words will never express how deeply I love and treasure you.  Thank you for opening my eyes to see beauty within us both ~ for I’d never have seen it within myself until I’d seen it within you… for you are my mirror and I am yours.  I shall for ever see us as we truly are…the perfect One.

With Love and Light,

  ~Joy (Snoopy and Woodstock 2012)

1999 02.16

Lesson 46 – God is the love in which I forgive.

It seems that above all else the hardest to forgive is myself. 

I’ve conned myself into believing that I can forgive anyone but myself (not anymore 2013 Clean Slate) for I know I feel unworthy of your gifts (not anymore 2013).  Why is it still so easy to believe the world over you?  Why do I continue to chose hell  over heaven (it is never how or why always only “who?” 2013).  The love you have for me scares me ~ for I still feel I need to earn it somehow (not anymore 2013).  Like there is something in this world I need to do to prove I am worthy and yet still I know in my heart this is only ego talking (yes it is 2013).  How is it that I can still choose against you (you can’t 2013)?

My dear ~ you do not choose against me as much as you choose against yourself.  All that I am ~ you are ~ and that is your fear ~ you do not fear to know my love for you ~ as much as you fear to know the love that is you.  Have patience, you will succeed ~ remind yourself constantly that you cannot fail (this took a long time but it is true 2013).  Because you cannot fail.  Delayuing the process is not failure ~ it is only delaying the process ~ yet you cannot delay forever because there is only right now ~ you are free my child ~ forever freee because there is only right now ~ only you can choose your cell only you can choose your feedom.  Hell will disappear as quickly as you created it (smile 2013) becaue it is not real.  You see you are creating hell right now~ yet heaven is just as easily choosen as soon as you decide and recognize it is.

 

Thank you!

1999 02/16

Will I be prepared for the changes ahead or shall I say should I be prepared for the changes ahead?

Only if you fail to realize that you are not a body and even with a body you are forever provided for.  Do not fall prey to fear.  Work now to remain in your natural State which is loving, peaceful and complete.  For you shall go on indefinitely even if the world should crumble … because it is only the dissolving of an illusion  ~ it can be an incredible gift if you accept with an open heart and mind.  All that ever was and ever will be is with you now – learn to recognize Truth.

 

Ok – I’ll keep working.

1999 02.20

Dear God,

Thank you for working me again and leading me to the Southwest Unity Church ~ everything Julianne said this morning rings true with me. 

It is the Truth that I choose not to see or receive your gifts ~ but I see right now.  I saw the House for rent ` I see that ACIM is being taught on Tuesdays from 7-9 exactly as I had asked.  I see Habitat for Humanity as I had wished for Mike and I to be involved in.  I feel blessed 1000x over this moment and I feel you with me.

Yes I am here as always, yes I give you gifts every moment of every second of every minute of every hour.  It brings me great Joy when you accept my love.   Even in the smallest way.  You can still not envision all that awaits you and yet I tell you this it is here right now for you to receive openly.

 

1999 03.23

Ahhhh… talk to me.

I am never not communicating with you ~ you have not once in all eternity been alone ~ if you were to stop looking and start seeing you would be amazed at all that surrounds you ~ the love that envelops every body and links you all as One.  You are all connencted this is the Truth.  Oneness extends in and throughout everything ~ there is nothing that you see and don’t see that isn’t apart of the Oneness that is all.

 

You have been listening without recognizing.  You listen to your higher Self has been following my voice as you think you go through your day alone.  Your peace extends from within you out into the world and if you look you will see how you have been listening.

 

My predition did not come true and I am relieve and yet I am also feeling doubts that I have any insight at all.

Joy, since that time in July when you invisioned loss, you have worked very hard at not making that a reality and your work was not alone.  As I have said ~ we are all One and as your thoughts moved away from fear ~ all thougths sifted with you.  It’s called collective consciousness, in your words, and the collective consciousness shifted from loss to peace and here you are now at peace.

 

Oh (Drawing of a smiling flower) You are so comforting (heart exclamation point) Love (heart exclamation point).

1999 03.27

You will not fail ~ I guarantee this to you.  You are not far from Home.   Only but an instant lies between fear and love.

 

Your fear only remains because you continue to accept it as Truth.  It is not Truth and can never be ~ it is an illusion which keeps you from seeing that you are already Home.  You are already at peace and that you are and forever will be only Love.

 

1999 03.30

 

No one can ever validate the illusion but you ~ no guilt only Truth.  This is not real and although you are at this instant in time still choosing to validate it ~ it is only and instant to decide otherwise.

 

Be not afraid of your choices they cannot harm you any longer.  No more mistakes await you only love will surround you for that is all that ever has.

 

How you choose to see it doesn’t change the Truth of what is!  So be free ~ fear is nothing so be glad ~ be ecstatically happy … wear your smile of the Truth of who you Are.  You see illusion so what!  So what!  What do you choose this to mean?  Just because you think you see something does not mean its real.  Will you choose to validate illusions or Truth.  Validate that which brings you Joy!  Why would you want to validate anything else.  Spend your time now in the completeness of what you are JOY!!!

 

1999 04.06

Once again you answer me and once again I act with fear.  Yet I know its ok.

Yes it is ok and remember that you only allow yourself to “see” as you did tonight it was your choice to recognize the Truth in Omar as you looked upon him you choose to remember yourself.  There is nothing to fear ~ this is in the most literal (ha-ha) sense of the meaning as there is nothing but what you create.  You see I have told you not to seek outside yourself for you are searching for what lies within without.

 

You were not searching today and that is why you were able to “see.”  The gifts multiply only if you accept them with an open Heart.  You still perceive observation for judgemtn and find guilt … it is ok to observe and it is ok to feel what you are experiencing and then all you need do is remember the Truth and it all becomes joyously one.

 

Thank you.

I am not here to save you for you are already saved.

I am not here to help you solve your problems for they have already been solved.

I am not here to teach you for there is nothing to learn.

I am not here to guide you but to walk hand in hand.

I am not here to lay judgments for I’d only have mySelf to judge.

I am not here to lay guilt for there is only love to see.

1999 04.11

You do not find, tht which was never lost.

You do not lose, that which has always been.

Only do you remember all that you Are!

1999 04.11

Ask me have we shared lives together ~ many I would say.

Ask me if I remember ancient times and distant memories ~ memories are all I see.

Ask me what a picture means of Egypt in another time and I will tell you a sadness held my heart in space. (scribbled out).

Ask me to prove to you how I know ~ I “know” is all the proof I have ~ a vision of time where I stood looking up into the eyes that I thought were of God’s ~ yet were my own.

Yet looking deeper still a light shined through and I saw God yet eyes were not involved ~ eyes could not see beauty this incredible ~ words cannot describe the feeling of completeness experienced.

I can only hold your hand and know all that we have shared.

1999 04.14

I am not that which I think I am ~ for I see out of a tiny little box and I am everything.

If I were to know the Truth … fear would not exist ~ anger would not exist ~ reality that I see woul not exist.  And yet here I am ~ as many times before, searching to find what can only be remembered.  I remember… I remember that this body serves no purpose for me except to experience all that I am not (sort of 2013) this body cannot express love as I have experienced it (but it get’s pretty damn close 2013) it cannot feel peace as I’ve experienced it ~ it cannot know joy as I’ve experienced it and yet were I to experience it…this body would not exist norwould the earth or the stars (Wayneji calls them holes in the tarp of the sky 2013) or the universe for I would know once again that there is only One and I am part of One.

There is a place ~ where I am safe, where I can fly ~ where I’m at peace ~ where love is pure and thoughts are clear ~ where dreams dissolve and certainty remains…where nothing is seen because eyes are not needed ~ where all questions are answered because none need to be asked.

1999 04.15

Fears go as quickly as they come ~ it is much easier not to choose fear than it is to choose it.  Not choosing fear assists in an open acceptance of Truth.

Hear Truth not fear.

See Truth not fear.

Experience Truth not fear…

An you will awaken to a whole new world that you have hidden and it is beautiful and radiant – it is kind and loving and there is only Peace there.  All that you are searching for is right now for eyes that do not fear ~ which are your own.  I do not make false promises to you ~ there is no rug to be pulled out from under your feet.  In Truth your feet have never once touched the earth and your eyes have never seen ~ for you are blind right now and believe you see something.  Come with me to a place you will be glad to remember ~ it is your Home ~ your Heart remembers ~ let it lead you.

As oneness extends from yoru heart through yoru eyes and into the soul of another ~ fear evaporates light clears the shadows and only Truth is beheld.

I rest in you the peace that envelopes everything that I am no longer restless or uncertain only calmness surrounds me.

1999 04.19

Our eyes did not meet as bodies.  I did not remember you by face.  You are so easily recognizable for Truth radiates from you.  I am not here to hide myTruth by only showing you the physical, we agreed to show each other Truth always, yet now we run and hide behind the shell only hoping to experience the lsightest sense of who we are.  I will not do this again for we have done this so very many times.  I do not desire to know you in any other way than what my heart knows of you.  I have shared with you that this body is only for hiding.  I know I do not need to hide from you for you have seen a glimpse of Truth and you do not run you do not look away, yet we changed directions for we feared knowing more ~ remember more and we hid within the shell and said “though me” and know that which I am and the touch did not remember ~ yet the eyes still held the Truth.  I know the way you know the way ~ thee is no point in hiding ~ let us remember together as we have very much to share.

1999 04.19

It does not matter which for you take ~ I will recognize you anywhere.

I see you within the eyes of everyone.

I close my own and there you are gentley reminding me of who I am.

My lies are no longer deceiving, to think they ever were makes me smile and laughter falls upon my Heart in Joy, knowing that I could not hid forever.

We meet as one and I remember again that I never was that which I thought.

Your certainty embraces me and fear dissolves, I melt in your pool of serenity and find that everything is nothing and nothing is everything.

My thoughts fade away as my heart opens and is filled to overflowing ~ reaching to the ends of a reality that never was. 

I hear you ~ yet never a word heard by ears which only think they hear.

Your song carries me so far within that I am contained no longer in a body ~ taken to a freedom that is without any limitation.

How I love you ~ only you know what this means.

Only you know how far this extends.

Only you know the pureness of a heart that has never been touched by anything but Truth.

Only you know the completeness of being One.

And I am at peace because you know me.

And I am at peace knowing I am You.


1999 04.20 (heh heh 420)


Be at Peace … you are safe.

Fear is just an image in your mind.

There is no real substance to it.

You are not where your eyes tell you.

You are where you have alwys been ~ at Home.

Thoughts must be linked.

1999 04.27

I feel mySelf coming undone.  It is an overwhelming energy.

It’s as if my body will explode and I am frightened.  I’m listening.

Let peace enter and replace fear.  Relax your mind.  Be willing to experience Truth for all that awaits you is all that you are ~ a joyous gift!

 

Once again I am at a crossroad (not in Truth) iun illusion.  I know I am at a place of choices yet I no not which choice to choose for I am not hearing.  I am not choosing Joyously ~ I am playing in puddles that serve no purpose ~ the signs are all around me ~ though the slightest change causes me unbalance.

Choices in Truth should not cause pain yet I feel as if they will, come be my mind and show me.  I a not at Peace ~ I must choose otherwise.  I would not rather be right ~ only happy.

1999 04.28

I am lost outside myself.

Yet chatter persists and I do not find my way back home.

I feel like running but to where and to whom.

Why do I cointually seek where I will not find.

I am not comforted by words right now.

They seem phony and made up.

Faces seem distant even my own.

1999 04.28

My son comes to me tonight and says “Mommy – I will not forget you.”  He knows the Truth but now how to share it with me for he speaks beyone words.

1999 04.28

Accept nothing as your Truth.  Truth is not accepted, but Known.  React to nothing.  When you react you move away from the Truth.  Have no expectations of anything.  You cannot expect to find that which you have yet to know and remember as your own.

1999 04.29

Thank you again ~ I ask you answer.  And sometimes like now I hear.  “When a brother is sick it is because he is not asking for peace and therefore, does not know he has it.”  (ACIM pg 185 #7)

This is where I am ~ not realizing I already have what I ask for.  Thank you.

(new page ~ Omar’s Rumi Writings)

Good Morning.

Being is not what it seems ~ nor non-being, the worlds existence is not in the world.

I have lived n the lips of insanity wanting to know reasons

Knowcking on a door ~ it opens

I have been knocking from the inside.

Keep wlaking though there’s no place to get to ~ don’t try to see through the distances ~ that’s not for human beings ~ move within ~ but don’t move the way fear makes you move.  Walk to the well and turn as the earth and the moon turn, circling what they love ~ whatever circles come from the center.

Please universal soul ~ practice some song or something through me.

I was happy enough to stay still inside the pearl inside the shell ~ but the hurricane of experience flashed me out of hiding and made me a wave moving into shore saying loudly the ocean’s secrets as I went  and spent there slept like fog against the cliff ~ another stillness.

I saw grief drinking a cup of sorrow and called out “it taste sweet doesn’t it:  You’ve caught me” grief answered” and you’ve ruined my business how can I sell sorrow when younow know it is a blessing?”

Love is that ~ that never sleeps not even rests ~ nor stays for long with those that do.

Everything else accidental

Emptiness brings peace to your loving.

(New Page…New Writing Joy)

“It’s Time”

It will only be an instant longer until you fully understand and remember what this is to mean to You.  The plan has been laid and you have agreed and the time has come for many blessings and You are ready.

There are no coincidences, do you think that luck would have picked your parents at random and given you the Spiritual Awareness yo’ve always experienced?  Do you think your Brother’s are a coincidence ~ how about the poverty, Michael, Tony, Mark, Tyler.  Look at everything you have experienced thus far ~ Coincidence do you see the pieces linking do ~ Yes ~ I know you do ~ do not be afraid the path you follow is much easier than the ones of the past for now blessings of Truth come and you will not be alone in your function.  The call to Oneness has been made and many have heard ~ they are on their way.

1999 05.02 – Sunday

What is this forgetfulness that washes over me and leaves me not remembering who I am.  I read and know who has written every word ~ I think no new thoughts.

Truth seems to have become the dream ~ how have I choosen what I chose?  Who is this body who walks the earth and talks of only lies?  Who continues the dream without realizing it sleeps?  This is not Joy ~ this is not God ~ who is this phony that thinks she knows something and tries to describe Truth that can never be known unless experienced?

My only wish is to abandon tht which I thought I created.  For I have created nothing real ~ I have never spoke a word of Truth and the Joy within shall never be experience without.

I Surrender.

Do you “see”

Yes.

Say it and Say it and Say it again ~ Say it until you know it without thought ~ say it until your heart sings it in wordless song.  Truth is simple.  You have created complexities ~ I do not exist here ~ This is the Self you created ~ your TrueSelf has never left.  Do not yearn to know that which you are ~ know that which you are by experiencing that whicgh you are ~ not through what you are not ~ for it will lead you no-where.

Flow through me.

I do not flow through you ~ I am the center of all ~ close your eyes ~ clear all thought ~ feel Love ~ not the word ~ feel love the experience ~ it is not flowing ~ it IS!  What is absolute does not fflow ~ this calmness does not ripple ~ this peace does not blow past like a cloud covering the sun momentarily ~ This light does not dim ~ nor brighten ~ It IS!  This certainty does not sway like a weeping willow in the breeze of summer’s night.

You are experiencing the unchangeable ~ for what is perfect cannot be altered ~ such as yourSelf ~ experience your own perfection ~ It Is!

1999 05.18

You are held by nothing ~ feel your peace ~ never once contained ~ never once distrupted ~ dissolve into the nothingness and experience Truth ~ The gift of death serves no purpose any longer ~ your body gives and receives nothing – Home you remember ~ is it not a place you go to ~ it Is where you’ve always been.  Be Still ~ Be quiet ~ Be Home.

1999 05.20

You didn’t believe it would be this wonderful ~ yet you know theirs even more.  Your dream last night was not a dream you know that.  It was a melding period where thoughts didn’t think and all the pieces melded ~ that is why you are so clear this morning and you see what you are thinking ~ continue on dear One ~ feel all of it.  Thiking will not assist any longer.  Fear and guilt do not go where thoughts are not.  Feel the energy all around you ~ it is time.  When you are not feeling come  to me and I will show you why ~ you are untouchable now ~ by anything but love.  This is glorious … this is the eternal now!  See ~ feel … feel the words ~ Nothing has changed but your vision.  It is not magic “just seeing.”

1999 06.06

Do not fear dear One ~ it is only moments until you recall the Answers to all your questions.  I have stated many times that you will not fail for you have never failed in all enternity to answer my Call.  The time has come yes, but this is not to be feared…the Time has come for Peace.  Do not be mislead by what comes from outside yourSelf.  I will never not be with you ~ I am forever holding your hand and gentley guiding you.  You are the One, Truth will reveal itSelf.  Pain and suffering are not for you.  You will guide many to Truth ~ you will answer your call and you will walk seeing Truth in everyone.  And the greatest gifts will be given unto yourSelf.  Let fear thoughts dissolve and “see.”        Question nothing without my Guidance ~ come to me and all answers are yours ~ come to me in Peace ~ for in fear you will not hear my Voice.

 

Remember how fear has drowned your Listening.  You have been in Training since you arrived ~ all the tools you need ar laid as gifts before your feet ~ pick them up with Love and pureness and you are forever protected.  Pick them up in fear and you will begin again.  Fill your heart now dear One.  Let Truth Light the Path before You.  Come to me again and again.

Help me to see Christ Vision to remember not bodies but Truth.

Do not look with your eyes upon the body today but with your Heart open wide ~ give the gifts given you freely.

(new page)

It maybe said that I was wise ~ or not.

It maybe said that I was caring ~ or not

It maybe said that I spoke of Truth ~ or not

It maybe said that I was beautiful ~ or not

It maybe said that Light radiated from within me ~ or not

It maybe said that I was a teacher ~ or not

It maybe said that I loved freely ~ or not

It maybe said that I was gentle ~ or not

It maybe said that I was intelligent ~ or not

It maybe said that I was crazy ~ or not

It maybe said that I was a deserter ~ or not

It maybe said that I was a friend ~ or not

It maybe said that I was a visionary ~ or not

It maybe said that I was a Lover ~ or not

It maybe said that I was a Mother, Father, Sister, Brother ~ or not

1999 06.12

As you look around you ~ what you see is not beautiful nor ugly ~ just things ~ things that you have created ~ the water ~ the trees ~ the clouds ~ the bodies ~ and you call them as your own.

Yet when you look and see the trees and the bodies and the water and the clouds meld together as a painter would do with his oils…you see that it is only a picture ~ a painting you have created and thought was life ~ yet it is not Life ~ for life is beyond the picture past the oils and the canvas ~ there is no frame that contains all that is You ~ your Light extends so far that there is no beginning nor end.

There is no external.  The pure completeness of love is Home, where you have eternal Peace.  Fear does not come to your Home.  Dissolve.  Clear the thoughts that keep you in a frame ~ seeing only a picture of nothing. 

(Rainbow with a smiley face drawn).

Underneath the fear is the Happy Dream!

I come again tro you as a wanderer.

The gifts have been laid ~ you have picked them up ~ looking at them curiously ~ yet do you see?

 

Teachers of the physical have come ~ they know of Truth yet like you fear ~ what will be aksed of them.  Know this beautiful light of the world ~ nothing I ask of you is difficult ~ nothing I ask of you takes from you ~ for I only ask one thing of you and that is to experience the Truth of You ~ for as you come to remember and know yourSelf ~ all that you give will be freely ~ you will want for nothing but to give ~ your Heart will be open so wide that all will come to you in Love as Love. 

 

These are not flowery dreams ~ they are but the True Reality that you will be ever so happy to remember as Home.

 

1999 06.23

In your openness all that you have contained and hid from yourSelf will flow in an endless river of certainty.  Peace will was away all doubts and insecurities.  Love will flow through your being cleansing you of all fears.  Happiness and sadness and despair will have lost their home.  Seek not outside yourSelf for this river ~ it is not seen with eyes ~ nor heard with ears ~ yet it is forever flowing through you as You.

1999 06.27

I know this time seems very confusing to you ~ but it is a cleansing and clearing period ~ you will shortly see how all aspects in your reality right now serve to open you up with a new understanding of the picture you are creating.  Enjoy yourSelf ~ all is a Blessing.

1999 06.29

There is nothing you cannot do now that you walk with Me.  All doors are open drawing you to enter and create.  Your Heart pulls you like a magnet to steel. Fear not your direction, you walk with certainty now.  You are the Gift, I give.

Ah your Heart smiling ~ radiates your eyes and energy pours from within you ~ without ~ in all directions.

You can fly now your wings have expanded and are ready to test their strength ~ stretch ~ feel ~ move ahead in flight ~ nothing stops you now. (smilie)

1999 09.11

Will I fulfill the function given me?

Yes.  You are doing and learning great things at this time.  You are facing your fears ~ racting and then moving past them for all o your fears are in your mind only.  Just as Tyler reminded you today.  All the bugs attacking him were in his mind.  The bugs were not there yet in his mind they were all around him attacking him.  Your fears are no different.  They are not there but you believe in your mind that they are happening to you, see them as the illusions that they are and they will fade and peace will return.

 

1999 09.29

 

So now you know your purpose ~ how do you feel?

I don’t know … it’s silly but I feel afraid of giving and receiving Love so openly.  I mean I am really afraid to step out of the box.  Because I don’t feel certain that if I do step out totally or even just peek out I will fall.  And it’s a torn type of feeling.  I look at Richie (step-father) and I want to love him yet I can’t seem to let go of the faults (hand written in at a later date “Richie died 1/13/12 at age 83) I project on to him.

1999 10.05 – Tuesday

This was one of the most incredible days of my life experience.  I found the best of every situation ~ I have a clear mind and a certainty in You that I have yet remember until now.  You know the way Home and I have pretended that I know ~ but now that I know that I don’t know ~ it’s wonderful.  It is as if the whole world has shifted and there is no need to see conflict.  I deceive no one but mySelf.  How do I keep a clear mind like this?

To Trust me Joy ~ give everything and every situation to Me.  Just as you have today ~ you really need do nothing but enjoy the experience.

 

1999 10.06 – Wednesday

I gave up the Trust this morning and feel back into the fear.

What is it today that you wish to experience?

Balance – I am looking for balance.

And where are you looking.

Out into the world ~ and yet I do not see balance.  I would like to shift out of this black and white experience.  I would love to just live and experience each moment fully.

And what is your fear of living and experiencing each moment fully?

That I can’t let go of the fear ~ that I will constantly predict and plan the outcome.  I am afraid to let go of all of my false beliefs.  I am afraid that you will not lead me.

All I ask is a little bit of willingness, I will do the rest, you are my instrument.

Well your instrument is out of tune (smilie).

Ok well lets take a look at how we can create balance ~ what is it that you think is out of balance.

 

I am running from the house to bring Tyler to school to bring Mike to school to get to the hospital for time with Mom then to the house to get it cleaned then back to the hospital back to pick up Mike drop him off then back to the hospital then to pick up Tyler – pick up.  (End of this writing)

(New page)

1.     Imagine a set of dials (Mom told me this at the hospital)

2.     Turn off all physical senses.

a.     Hearing

b.     Touch

c.     Taste

d.     Sense

e.     Smell

3.     Then imagine another set of dials and turn each dial to each spiritual.

a.     Inner Vibrational Touch

b.     Psychological Time

c.     Perception of past, present, future

d.     Cognition of Knowledgeable Essence.

e.     Innate Knowledge of basic reality.

f.      Expansion or contraction of Tissue Capsule

g.     Disentanglement from camouflage

h.     Diffusion by the energy personality.

1999 10.25

I have experienced a great deatl of fear the past few days ~ my ego does not want to see and is strong in its attempts to keep the world real for me and I have fallen into the game quite solidly.

See Christ in every face.  Do not invest yourself in the world right now.  Be in it but know/believe you are not of it.  Let everything happen yet step back from the emotion and thoughts of Doing.  Allow yourself some peace.

 

1999 10.31

What is the Group?

Patience dear One ~ all will unfold the answers you seek are not hidden … you are just choosing not to see.  Be at Peace ans know that all will reveal itself ~ You still fear mucvh and although you fear nothing but a think veil it seems thick to you.  Patience and all will reveal itself.

 

1999 11.07

I am here ~ thank you for guiding me to the Art in Healing.

Welcome.  You have a lot going through you much of which you are choosing not to fully experience right now.  You will see what I mean when you go in the dream state.  Many fears werere dissolved also, you will begin to notice shortly.  Open your heart.  You have awakened to the gift of understanding ~ understanding others and the way the world is opening up.  You will not fear the changes of tomorrow.  I am with you now as always yet I am more clearly heard.   Soon I will reveal some new thoughts which will create action that you have not yet used.

 

These actions will create a great deal of change in others which at first will feel as resistance but will shortly thereafter flow through with Love ~ know through all of it that only Love exists and don’t become subject to the resistance of others.  Remember tht you are safe and that all involved are as closely linked with me as you are.  Now go to sleep and light your Heart/Mind with Love.

 

1999 11.08

 

Tyler was writing tonight and asked me how you spell Tony.  I hold him and he wrote it down ~ then he asked me how you write loves and I did and then he asked me how you write Mommy and he wrote out “Tony Loves Mommy.” And said that Tony came to him and told him to tell me that.  I asked him where this was and he said at the store with Daddy.  I asked him if he told Mark about this Tony and he said Daddy wouldn’t listen.

Tyler was in the bathtub and said Mom, I remember when I was young.  I thought everyone was Jesus.  I asked him who is Jesus ~ he said God.  I asked him when he stopped thinking everyone was Jesus.  He said he didn’t want to talk anymore.

1999 11.08 – What is Joy?

 

Joy is a tool ~ part of the whole.  Joy is Gob (maybe a misspelling but that is how it was written) in expression.  Joy is all aspect of the Self.  Joy is Love.  Joy is a flower blossoming in the sun.  Joy is the river flowing into the Sea.  Joy Is.

 

1999 11.14

I must Trust God…He will guide me.  Let God show the way.

Too much info flooding.

You are with Me now as you have always been.  You do not need to rush.

 

Yes Jesus had quite an illusion to get through.  Yet he did it and so can you.  You do not have to be crucified to be who you Are.  What you have remembered and shown is such a small piece of what you are capable of.  You are the Light.  Many blessings await your remembrance.  Why not receive them.

 

How do I heal all parts of my mind?

By having faith that you are not alone… that I lead you until you remember we are One.  Laugh more…you have been way too serious about spirituality.  Life is a blessing … A gift to be enjoyed not tormented by.

 

Love Yourself.  Completely.

Follow your Heart.

It knows where it leads and be grateful that you are led.  Peace and much laughter will make your heart sing.

Let your mind expand.

 

1999 12.02 – Thursday

I keep hearing that I should write.  So here I am writing wondering what is this thing called “life.”  It seems to pass by so quickly and I wonder what it is for.

Blessed Child ~ you think many times that you are being punished.  I guarantee you that you are not.  This is your deream and you are creating it as you think it.  If you would just step aside you no longer need to create what you know not and I could show you all that you have yet to see and experience.

(new page)

What are your True Dreams

To walk the earth in that completeness of Love you showed to me.

Then why not feel that Love and look at the world.

Imagine yourself looking at the world thru Love’s eye’s what would you see.

 

Trust your brothers because you know who they Are.  See beyond the image to the True Self.  This is only as difficult as you create it to be ~ because as I have said “there are no difficulties in Miracles.  The transformation begins because you are perceiving Truth and as you see Truth ~ the brother you see sees You.  The shift in perception is done and you can no longer not recognize yourself.  And you can rejoice in knowing.  Let not your judgments deceive you for your deception keeps you and your brothers in an illusion.  You have seen Truth remember Truth and look at all Truthfully.

 

 

1999 12.15

I come to tell you I have good news ~ there is another world that waits on your return.  It is everything you could wish for and so much more.  A place where your heart can know nothing but Joy.  Come ~ you do not have to come all the ay Home ~ just come Trust that I would not lead you anywhere that I would not go.

1999 12.16

Ahhh… you enjoyed your filled heart today ~ Know that it is neverending.  Ask when you do not feel “Why am I not Wholly Joyous” and instantly will it remind you of your Truth.  A freedom awaits your willingness to receive.  I Love You.

2000 03.02 – Thursday

So I write Knowing that I must see what is.  I do not deny the Truth it no longer serves purpose.  I no longer desire to remain asleep although I seem to forget wakefulness so easily.  To be awake is the grandest gift.  Why do I deny mySelf this gift?  I am God, yes I feel it and yet it has nothing to do with what I thought I was.  I was a denial of God.  And although I remember “being” I forget “being” also.  I forget the absolute certainty of knowing I create everything I see ~ I  forget to only create Love and when I do ~ I become something small ~ very small and contained.

What seems to be this body out in this immense universe so insignificant.  I watch this “I” this “Joy” thought creates and she is quite a comedy.  And other times quite seemingly real.  Peace ~ feels so wonderful and complete.  Responsible for  only “Being” and yet “Being” everything without tiring Amazing Truly.  I will not ever go totally back to sleep (smile) (drawing of a rainbow with the sun).

If you knew the enormity of your deception you would dance eternally!

 

You think everything keeps you apart from me ~ yet it is only this one thought that does.

 

 

2000 03.12 – Sunday

So many questions I have.

How do I quiet myself to hear you?

You’re struggle is not uncommon although the answer is quite simple you may not as of yet understand.

You already are what you struggle to be and you already are what you struggle to Know.  There is no reason to be impatient for what already is.

Your struggle just keeps you struggling.

The only answer is to surrender to yourSelf.

Heaven awaits only your remembrance.  You only dream you are not there/here.

2000 03.16

It is a wish that there be a right action and a wrong action.  See them as the same and open the door in your Mind to a freedom you will find great Joy in.

2000 04.01

They call this April Fool’s Day ~ yet everyday has become a Day in which I feel I have been fooled in believeing in a world of Darkness.

2000 04.04 – Tuesday

I have an unbelievable lack of faith in Self.

That is why all that is requested of you is only a little bit of willingness.  I tell you this again and again…it is impossible that you fail.

How do I walk away from the world w/o bringing it with me where ever I go?

You cannot receive an answer that you do not understand.  I told you the Plan has been laid ~many have heard the call and they will come as will you ~ for it is the call Home and you will have all the answers just keep listening to the call ~ you are always in the right place at the right time ~ there is no mistake that cannot be correct ~ in Truth the correction was placed before the error occurs.  It will be soon that you Know this Truth.

 

I am as God created me.

How did you create me.

I created you out of pure Love.  A thought in the Mind of an amazing gift to the Self.  Take what you hear from others and share the questions with me as they arise and they will be answered.  You are Safe Now & Now.  You are not this little.  The beauty, love & peace ~ beyond ~ the thinking that you are a body trapped in a world of disppair ~ completes you Truthfully.  All that surrounds you is Love always and all ways and yet you think you are too afraid to look ~ it is your inheritance to Know the Truth about You.  It is the only gift, you have not opened and it is the grandest Gift you will ever receive.  It is the only gift you will ever open that will complete you.

 

Think of Love Always and All Ways.

 

Don’t keep looking back in the past.  Let me show you of the present w/o your description of the past written upon it.

 

2000 04.09

 

It is Time…

It is time for you to walk the earth and Teach what you have learned ~ in every situation think what you would give to yourself before you give anything whether it’s a Thought…a word…an action…whatever it is think “would I give this to myself” if you would then give it … if you wouldn’t give it to yourself ~ as for correction.  It is now Time to live the Course in Miracles.

2000 05.16 – Tuesday

Seems that I’ve made a skill out of pretending to want to hear you and then hiding after. 

I feel like such a fraud ~ I am afraid and I don’t know why I am so afraid of the Love that Is.  This heart feels closed and the mind seems dark.  I’m tired and I don’t trust where I am going.  I can feel myself even now not wanting to hear what I know you wish to share with me.

My child if you only would look and see how incredible you are and I am in gratitude of you for receiving the gifts I give.  All that you are currently experiencing is Right ~ remind yourself often.

2000 05.30

So I suppose it’s about time I stop hiding and start listening because I truly do not wish to be in control anymore.

 

I have to say that that’s not a bad idea.  There is much for you to remember and I am so glad you have decided to follow into Truth….you write as if you hear two voices there is only one.  There are two different thougth patterns within your mind ~ both created by yourSelf.  One is Love and one is fear.  The same you decides which thought pattern will be used.  Loosen the mind of form.  Think “Joyfully.”

 

Let your heart speak and let your heart show you life ~ quit thinking so much.  Stop smoking (arrow pointing Done 2005 (smile) Thank You Wayneji).

2000 06.06 – Tuesday

So here I am ~ quit the job…left the home….just me and the boys o the California shore ~ and I’m thinking fearful now and then.  Where do I fit.  Not wanting and wanting to be a part of the world.

There are levels of thought.  The lowest level is the level of fear and guilt thoughts.  You have begun to move away from this thought process into one that is more certain of itself.  One that sees the light and beauty in all things.  I know moving out of your comfort zone was not an easy task and I am all smiles and full-hearted knowing that you are not fighting your current direction.  Be at Peace and Know that all is well that is your only goal right now.  All that you have searched for is what you are.

2000 06.18 – 11:40PM

Maybe I am ready to take another step.  Possibly I can feel that something within me is looking out.  Possibly the Universe is not out “there” but within and watching.  I feel unraveled and wanting to wrap myself back into the comfort of believeing in the solid reality of the world outside and yet I find nothing that comforts.  I find myself expanding it seems on the concept of time/space.  When I look out to the stars the universe no longer seems so large but rather limited.  Something tells me there is nothing happening.  As if I sit watching a movie and all this stuff seems to be happening yet all I am doing is sitting and watching all that seems to happen but does really not happen at all, which brings me to stillness.  And how do I remember that I am Still within all the happening.  Such as when I dream at night.  I am seemingly still ~ the body remains still but all is happening in the dream as I watch/participate.  So if I “Joy” am the watcher at night when I dream ~ who then is the watcher when “Joy” seems to wake in “reality.”  I am in fear of questions yet I am asking now to be answered.?

1.     What am I?

(added 2013 01.12 – “I” is just a thought.  It is not real but it is believed in.  If you say “what am I” you are attempting to make a thought real.  If you ask “Who am I?” you begin the undoing of all that has been thought.

2.     What is Reality?

True Reality is Home.  It is what the world appears In.

3.     What is being awake?

Being awake is what you are.  Being awake is paying attention to what thoughts appear in.  Being awake is not knowing anything about anything and yet actually Knowing everything.

4.     What is true?

Only Truth is True and it cannot be explained in this world but it can be Known.  You cannot use words to describe it but you can use words to point towards it.

5.     What is God?

God is the Truth of who You and everyone IS.  It is what individuality appears in, but what all Are.  One can easily confuse this with the individual being God (which it actually is cause there is only One but not if the individual believes there is more than one.)

6.     What is Joy?

It is a state of being closest to your True Nature, it is everyOnes birthright.

7.     What is consciousness?

It is a collection of thoughts, which make up the collective Mind.  As beliefs change and shift the collective consciousness does also.

8.     What are physical senses?

They are what make the world seem real. 

2000 06.23 – Friday

What’s this all about?  I’ve experienced so much ~ my angels as a child ~ the leaving of the body ~ the self visitng and reassuring the self both as the child and as the adult.  The healings the formlessness the Christ Vision the unreality of death ~ certain peace ~ absolute Love.  Seeing through the veil ~ standing in the Light.  Coming into form.  Exploding Joy and the desolving of Joy.   The lucid dreams and the lucid waking.  What am I to do with it?

Live it!

Share it!

Enjoy it!

Be it!

Walk with presence and constant rememberance.

 

2000 06.02 – Saturday

U see u think its all or nothing.  You feel this wonderful Love when you think of Mark and then you think you can’t Love anyone else because of it.  Which then you end up resenting the Love and looking for reasons not to Love.  You do the same with the boys and with Johnny … it is a pattern you have not recognized until now and you do it the most with yourself.  Look at yourself truthfully…just look and then share with all parts of yourself what you truly see.

2000 07.13 – Thursday – Camping Trip at Mingus Mountain

I just woke up from a dream where I kept being told over and over that I was making it all up with my thoughts every part of the dream I would hear – these are thoughts not reality.

Jose Crespo was in my dream … we were at some kind of concert and he hung out with me afterwords ~ he didn’t talk much except to tell me that he was building a pool with a diving board and would put cameras under water and if your eyes rolled back it would sound an alarm.

Mark, John-paul, Mike, Tyler and Roxann as well as two girls I couldn’t remember also made appearances.  I felt as if I was showing off during most of the dream.

I place the future in the hands of God past, present and future are Now.

2000 07.14 – Friday – Camping Trip Alone on Mingus Mountain

Woke up in the middle of the night last night – camping at Mingus Mountain and I saw fire…so I jumped out of the tent and saw that the fire had started back up…it was starting to dwindle back down so I got back in the tent.  And then I got really fearful ~ all these fear thoughts kept running through because I kept hearing all these noises outside the tent.  I eventually fell back asleep, but I was not able to stop the thoughts from racing.

Something about UG (Krishnamurti) words both scare and empower me.  There is nothing to be freed from.

I’m grateful to be alive ~ to feel the world as solid.

I am grateful for the children that they picked me to help raise them.

I’m grateful that the children come to open me.

I am grateful that Mark came to teach me what it means to Love another without judgements and obligations.

I am grateful for Katie who gave love to me when I felt I was unlovable.

I am grateful to the Inner Voice who’s persistency has led me always where I would wish to be.

I am grateful to the god Within who’s love has/does cradle me.

I am grateful to music for taking me to other lands within myself.

I’m grateful to my mother for showing me the all encompassing love that was always surrounding us.

I am grateful to my father for teaching me true forgiveness.

I am grateful to my brother’s that continue to show me that family is more than blood.

I’m grateful to Tony Santana for letting me be so crazy and so in love ~ in love with Love and for helping to create Angel Michael.

I am grateful to the internet for the ability to meet people from all over the world and feel the connectedness of everyone.

I am grateful to Ammi (Ryan Rothgeb) for being such a dedicated teacher of his own beliefs.

I am grateful to my spirit family who I feel but do not see.

I am greatful to Jack (Pleiter) for giving me the ability to accept gifts without expectation.

I am grateful to Peter Gabriel for putting to music the knowing of our Heart.

I am greateful to my mind that every once in awhile will shut up and let the heart show Truth and experience.

I am grateful to the trees for giving me shade and a freeling of peace.

I am grateful to Richard Bach for remind me that we all are Christ.

I am grateful to Mark Earlix for his consistent words “You already Know ~ stop negating yourself.”

I am grateful to Stewart Wilde for starting / sparking the remembrance that I am more than I think I am.

I am grateful to Howard Silverman (psychologist in NJ) who was persistant in his statement “Joy the only reason you are so unhappy is because you choose to be.”

I am grateful to Peter Inskeep for his belief in friendship and his constant sharing and support of Love.

I am grateful to Jay Stangreciak for showing me that we do go beyond fear … that we are capable of greatness.

I am greatful to Omar Amin for recognizing our oneness and for taking me to my forgotten memories of Eygpt.

I am grateful to Fred (Arizona Course In Miracles) for giving me a place in time that the Heart spoke past Joy.

I am greateful to the stars and the sun and the moon for shinning the light of greatness always a gentle reminder.

I am greateful to the star that shot through the sky for me and reminding that all is well.

I am greatful to Alan and Margaret Dolit and the group Gatherings that rebirthed me forgiven.

I am greatful to Mike Rider who has supported and sponsored me into my next step ~ Honesty.

I’m greatful to the jewelry maker man that sits under the stairs at Beelow’s (bar in Tempe AZ) who validated a place I needed to be validated.

I’m greatful to Donald “Duck” Anderson for the absolute complassion he offered.

I am greatful to Tyler Pullan Weale the great teacher of patience and love and laughter.

I am grateful to Michael Ryan Surget the Angel that rescued me from darkness.

I am greatful to mushroom the cat who reminded me of the miraculous.

2000 07.14 – Friday – Camping Trip alone to Mingus Mountain

I feel as if I have changed in some profound way and yet I am not able to really say what that change is ~ like its’ not something I could point to and say “wow look how I’ve changed! (heart).

2000 07.14 – Camping Trip alone on Mingus Mountain

I was waking from a nap and I was going through this red veiny fluid like stuff that was like breathing or pulsing.  And I had this feeling that I came to the Mountains to die.  And then I had this thought come in that said “your choice ~ did you come here to live or to die?”

I have spent all my life with truly one question and I’ve said it with every emotion possible “Why am I here?”  I used to think as a teenagher that I was here to be punished that this was Hell.  Then I found that I was creating Hell.  Then I thought I was in a race to discover the Self and rushed through everything and anything spiritual I could get my hands on.  But right now…this instant … I really don’t care why I am here.  It doesn’t seem to matter…I just Am.

If I died today what meaning would my life have for me?  What would I look on lthat I would feel good about?

     That I l have loved many and in instance I have loved completely.

     That I have been a kind Mom and hopefully understanding and that my children know they are loved.

     That I have been a good friend the best that I’ve known how and on occaision have given some good advice.

     That I have been true to myself if no one else.

     That I have offered forgeivenss to those who asked it of me and those who were not able to ask that I gave it.

     That I smiled at people and extended whatever I had to offer to them.

     That I did not keep God hidden but shared it with others.

If I died today what would I wished I had done.

     Walk with Christ Vision ~ Loving openly and completely again … eternally.

     To have loved more and juged less.

     To eliminate the fear of living.

     To show our perfection to everyone in a way they can see.

     To think less and feel more.

     To express myself more openly with less or no insecurities.

     That I had walked the Earth gently w/o hurting anyone.

     That I was living more than sleeping.

     That I was energized toward life ~ not as weighted down by it.

Okay so now is the question that a part of me doesn’t want to hear “Why do I want to live?”

     I know that I am capable of great things and I wish to experience the gifts with others.

     That I have not expressed my creativity and have a potential yet to be shown.

     Because I am capable of being an awesome mom not just an okay one.

     That there are ives to touch and one’s that will greatly touch mine.

     Because I have not uncovered the mystery of life.

     Because I have not lived yet ~ I’m still being born.

     Because I’ve not laid all judgments down.

     Because I am not the complete expression of “Joy”

     I have to learn the guitar

     I have to publish my books

     I have to find the work my heart sings to perform.

     I’m not done yet.

2000 07.15 – Saturday

Lesson 196 (ACIM) It can be myself I crucify.

Teach your mind you are not an ego.  It is not time we need to do this, it is willingness.  The dreary, hopeless thought that you can make attacks on others and escape yourself has nailed you to the cross.

Look at your attackes and see/take responsibility that they have been returned to you.  Until you look and see yow your attacks have attacked you, you will not perceive that it is your thoughts that have brought you fear.  Once you understand that its’ impossible for you to be hurt except by your own thoughts, the fear of God must disappear.  When you realize once and for all that it is you … you fear…the mind  perceives itself as split.  When  When the fear of God is gone there are no bosticles that till reamin between you and the holy peace of God.  It is ended byt you … your mind can try to crucify.  Yet your redemption too, will come from you. (see post you wrote to Tommy Velardi about crucifying Jesus (meditation post on the NTL blog).

This sounds easy but it takes practice to watch what thoughts you are listening to.  Like I get the feeling that I am making quite a few people at this camp ground uncomfortable with my presence ~ because I am alone.  Except for Wayne the camp ground Host.  He seems to like me although he repeats himself constantly and his first wife’s name was Joy…that’s why he remembers my name.  So am I the one that’s uncomfortable?

Who’s the one thinking? 

 

Me. 

 

You want to think you don’t like people watching you but you do things so that they do watch you and then when they watch you …you say you feel uncomfortable…but it’s actually you.  If you’d smile and introduce yourself you would feel much less uncomfortable.

 

Read the next lesson of The Witness (from the End Of The Search Primer by Wayne Austin on Amazon te he he written in on 2013 01.12)

 

 

It says “The only way to stay alive in this world is to stay asleep.”  You the “I” thougth have one mission in this world … one priority and that is to survive, that keeps you asleep.  You must begin to see that you are not real that who you think you are is not you.

2000 07.15 – Saturday – Mingus Mountain, AZ

Witnessing the “I” thoughts.

Every 5 minutes I move my chair to a different position and wherever I sit myself…the smoke from the fire seems to blow directly in my face.

It’s so straight forward and simple…it’s petrifiying.  Quick flashes of words – fly – tree – laughter – yelling – stop – don’t leave – fly – pen – writing – Mom – Mark – boys – fire – smell – pee – stop – sky – Wayne – can’t – stupid – falling – hate  - hands – feet – chill – itch – chest j- cigarettes – road – cars – white – moving – George – noisy.

2001 07 15 – Saturday Night at Mark’s House.

Wasn’t as awre of my thoughts during the afternoon but here and there I would stop and watch them go by all just as silly as the rest…definatly a more peaceful day.  Found myself off in thoughts of tomorrow, net week, next year.

2000 07.24 – Monday

Wayne from te EOTS list has really been straight to the point and I am grateful.  I was waking up on Saturday morning and it seems it was my first real experience in “Witnessing” because I was seeing this mass of thought race by as if it were a marathon of thought and I could feel a sense of being pulled toward these thoughts.  Yet the thoughts were always ahead of themselves as if there weren’t’ even enough time to think the thought before it was into another thought and I could see that this was my current life experience filled with fast paced past/future thought … never a moment to experience the present … because I was too busy chasing thoughts and yet during this 5 to 10 minutes of witnessing, I was totally detached from the thoughts and I could see them and feel their incredible pull but I was not participating … it is a wonderful experience.

2000 08.16

Well on July 31st my house was totally empty and I moved in with Mark and Ethan until the 8th of August… tehn I packed up the truck, waved goodby to Mark and the boys and I headed out on the road.  We stopped over night for two nights in Texas and then reached Alabama on the 10th … we stayed with John for 3 nights and went to the beach and took Mike to the skate park and then we hit the road again on Monday and got to Mark’s parents in Spring Hill Florida around 6 o’clock.  We’ve been here 3 days and I still havent’ been able to get the boys in school.  All is well though. The boys have been in the pool since we got here (smile)!

Feel the fullness of your Being.

Dare to create your Dreams real

Light the Heart and the Mind Lightens.

 

2000 08.20

I had a dream last night only remember bits and pieces now…but I was moving and it was a mess.  Mark was helping and their were all sorts of obstacles.  I got into the new apartment that Iwas staying in for only a day and there was a man that I had to share the room with.  Then Mark was kidnapping me and he brought me to this huge house that had a pool (narrow) circling the house.  He looked like Jim Carey and he was angry about something. Then the boys and I were in a car in Tempe AZ and Mike was driving and driving fast and I woke up.  Anyway I woke up disoriented.

Mark’s parents and I were talking the other night and Stewart was asking me questions about what I believe about God and the Devil and Heaven and Hell and after I explained in the most uncomfortable kind of way … I went to my room and I realized that I really think I have beliefs about life, church, religion, God and that my beliefs don’t mean anything.  That the more I looked at my beliefs…the sillier they seemed to be.

Why hold beliefs when the Heart needs no beliefs … it just Knows.  If I spent more time silent … I would hear the Heart Truth.

2000 08.27

Thoughts were so heavy … earlier today I could barely keep my eyes open.  I’m feeling much lighter now.  I’ve realized that night is much more conducive to lighter thought than in the day.  I find myself very weight down in the day time.

2000 08.27

What would I like to see manifest in my life.

     I would like to enjoy my work and feel like I am making a contribution.

     I would like to earn enough money so that I can live comfortably and travel

     I would like a spacious home with my own room

     I would like to stop smoking

     I would llike to only speak when I have something important to say and with words that hurt no one.

2000 09.08 – Friday

I talked with Katie today and actually what flowed from my lips kinda shocked me a bit.  She was saying as she always does, that she wished I were doing some sort of therapy or social work because she thinks I have a very analytical mind and that I could help people with my philosophy and experience.  I don’t know why but I am not really interested.  Anyway I began telling her how I view everything that I “think” as a story I tell myself ~ a story of abuse, a story is just a quick flash in the mind  - it is still all a story … the conversation ran really deep but nonetheless it was a n interesting story :o)  Then also today I read an ariticle by an astrologer that mentioned we may want to keep a “coincidence” journal of all the obvious “coincidences” in our day and I was thinking there are no coincidences but I have also found myself surprised at times when things come up that are sort of déjà vu like… when I had a vision of being in a group of people with white walls and every9oen looking very familiar and then almost a year to the day later I was in that room at the “Art in Healing” seminar and flashed again and realized this was the first vision.  Also I read another article today on manifestation and how the next few motnhs it would be wise to start sending out messages to the universe on what you would like to see happening in your life.  So ok ~ I would like to see a lot more money in my life and a fun job that I enjoy and I would like to see a great relationship between Mark and me and the boys and I would like to buy a house and get out of debit and I would like to take interesting vacations.  I want to go to Egypt this year.  I would like my psychic abilities enhanced…I would like to see and speak with my mother.  I would like a clear topic for my book…I would like to strengthen my trust in the Inner Voice and hear clearly … okay that’s about all for now.  ~Joy

2000 09.09 – Saturday

I had some strange dreams last night.  I was running from many people.  I can’t remember why I was running.  Many of my dreams lately have been racy or me being chased and yet it is myself that runs and myself that chases.  Tyler had a dream last night that he couldn’t find Mark and I  ~ he said it was scary.  He’s gonna be 6 on the 14th ~ Mark bought him a scooter and gave it to him two days ago … he was/is so thrilled with it…Mark told him that we would celebrate his birthday today because he will be in Florida visiting his parents on the 14th.  Mike made some friends at his new school … he seems to be doing much better although last night he had a bad headache.

2000 09.19

Time…so much has happened and yet nothing has happened.

It is as if I am a split thought … I race – I am at Peace…I am angry – I am at Peace…who is this “I?”

You are safe and surrounded by Love in every thought and every move you make.  I am certain of you ~ I know every choice you make and I know where every thought leads and I know you will not fail.  I know this because I am you.   There is no need to pretend that we are separate whether you think it is by thoughts or by actions, we are One.  You don’t think that you have been guided ~ you think in time and space, you think with your sense and what is all around your physical.  Yet it is not so, and you will remember yourself again soon.

 

2000 09.19 – Tuesday

 

The Foundation

 

1.     There is no order of difficulty in Miracles

2.     To have all give all to all

3.     To have Peace, teach peace to learn it.

4.     Be vigilant only for God and His Kingdom.

2000 09.25

 

You have faced many fears directly in the face and you are beginning to see the unreality of fear.  You will find work and you will enjoy it more than you ever have.  A new life has begun to spring from within.  You are entitled to Miracles they are all ways and always there.

 

2000 11.21

 

Something is coming into

Something is coming out of

Yet this something is always

This is no time for writing

A heart opens and there is nothing to be done.

 

2000 12.23 – Saturday

 

Unwilling to sit in the stillness as mind races.

(new page)

There is no choice…such good news!!!

This life is something greater…I may never understand and some how Know that this is understanding.

I for once am seeing and could never say who this is that sees.  It is amazing that what was once so defined and sure of itself is so grateful that it does not.

Silence is Knowing

The moment a word comes forth

There is forgetfulness

This is only temporary

Love.

2001 09.13 – Father again I am afraid – I see the world as real and am afraid to let go … I have no idea where this fear comes from.  AHHHHHHHHHH (in large letters circled)

(New Page)

Joy is a bitch.  Fuck Fuck Fuck Laa Dee Daa Dee.

(New Page)

So I put on a love song and all calms down – it’s always the same old shit.  It seems I am only a machine that thinks and thinks.  Soul Speak.

Lonely Heart

Its so hard to let go of the love I feel for you.

I can’t get God off my mind…except when I am stuck on visuals.

It’s time to change to let go of bitterness…you have nothing to be mad about.  Like a baby you act like the sky is falling when it is Love all around you ~ Only Love.

 

(New Page) Drawing of a Sun crying and a moon with a cloud around it…a rainbow with a single flower that says “Lonely One” under it.  The writing “Jesus Loves Me” and “Light Shines from Her Smile” (Lyrics from Alexander O’Neal’s “Sunshine”)  Sometimes sunshine turns to Rain (more Alex lyrics) “A Love Story” “Joy to the World”  No sarcasm rule and you’ve been ezlefoooled with a smilie.

2003 09.08 – I wish I could say “I Quit” and mean it.  I feel like a ball of hateful bitterness… I am surrounded only by those who are openly offering Love and there is only unwillingness to receive it.  If I were to die this instant it would be in gratitude of my admittance to failure and in release of it being over.  I am tired and exhausted just help me to give up.  I feel pain in my litteral Heart at these words.  I am ashamed of the desires of destruction over peace as if one were better.  I live in a beautiful home with two beautiful children and two mean that seem to have love for me.  Where is not Peace in this.  I’ve never had it better or more peaceful and easy yet I am stil a wreck.  Plagued by thoughts and anger.

No Doubt Eli will be leaving soon.  I never offered him a reason to stay.

2004 08 – Saturday – G8

Had a dream this morning that I watched Tyler fall from a great height and died and the gut wrenching pain that came in this dream is as real as any aspect of everything and this search is seen for protection the not wanting of this pain and what seems to come as an answer is numbness yet you cannot be numb to one and not all and this sinking.

2011 10.12

Who knew what a few days can do.   Spent last Sunday downing four whisky sours and just taking off.  Picked up a hitchhiker and then two more and drove like crazy through the redwoods.  Two got out scared and Brad (Bradley Edgar Allen Pollard, Eastern Oklahoma Tribal School (EOTS)) stayed.  And said he wasn’t afraid to die.  We drove to the coaset and parked the car and we sat side by side and it rained all night and we held hands and locked eyes and felt safe.  Strange how safe a stranger can feel when you are ready to die.  I may never grow up enough to not know this.  No where to go, we went to the Ocean and I got soaked and cold and we ate subway and got drunk on vodka, me more than him and I passed out and he got us a room and we had a nice ocean view and it felt déjà vu.  He has the most beautiful familiar eyes and our time is short and his touch is kind and soft and certain.  Twenty-two – 22 years  and he seems older than me…he has depth deeper than mine and lots of loss and no home.  I want to give him everything but what does that mean?  I have everything … I have a man I love completely what am I doing with Brad only the stars know…so he says it will be so hard to say goodbye.  I tell him only say hello to me (((smile))) hello.  I will not forget you Bradley.  Crystals keep us close.  (written in at a later date, Bradley pass away in January 2012 :o(

2012 01.14

Richie died yesterday and there is pain in my chest.  I don’t know what I feel.  I wasn’t physically there for him but was I there?  He has been in my thoughts a lot lately.  I didn’tconciously know he was sick.  Id idn’t take care of you Richie L  I don’t take very good care of people but I can sit with people.  I am like our dog Pete…not good for much but loving … but that’s some damn good Love.  Pure.  Can’t be bought or sold…can’t be taken away…our Pete is getting old and I am too…inside I am not well and haven’t been for a long time.  There is such a darkness around this being.  Very tired and weighed down.  Such guilt around Mike and Tyler and not getting it together.  I wasn’t going to be mentally ill…I was going to be the one to help raise up  the children but something gave up – something died and wasn’t up for the challenge and didn’t even …no I did try…I kept my head up until it was sucked under.  It has been so hard to have Tyler at MMA yet still it seems this darkness would have sucked him down too if he had stayed.  My fingers crossed that his life is good to him and that my being out of it has been a blessing.  It isn’t for lack of Love but for Love.

And for Michael…I was the best I could be for you at the time.  I forget that I was just a child myself.  I don’t give enough credit for how much I tried to be everything to everyone and then have something for myself and that something has always been the drugs any form of relief from the psychosis.  Truly it is a gift that alcohol is gone and over.  It really was not a friend.  Thank you Wayneji 2012 09.05.

2012 01.19

There is no you.  It’s obvious huh. Yes there is a pull towards thoughts … however you know thoughts are not You.

So do I look into the story or leave it alone?  This morning I got very insecure during sex with Dan.  He kept asking me what I want … but I didn’t know or maybe I didn’t want to know just how much is wanted.  There is a desire to be desired and wanted.  To be gentley touched and appreciated and told I am beautiful and loved.  This desire makes such sadness here.

There is also so much agony about Mike and Tyler and do I help them to be loved and cared for?  Pain that I am not the mother I expect myself to be.  Selfless and Serving.

In the beginning there was nothing.  No-thing at all. (Dialogues with a Master, by Wayne Austin on Amazon).

2012 03.30

Dan moved out two times recently.  Two weeks ago and then he came back last weekend then he left again on Sunday and I have not heard from him.  He has been so angry and I depressed, that it was bound to happen.  However, it has really been helpful…him not being here for this time.  About three weeks ago I stopped verbally speaking and things really lightened up internally and then I cleaned out the whole house of all the toxic food and am re-learning or unlearning what to eat.  Today I started a Master Cleanse that is lemon and maple syrup and cayenne pepper.  I have gotten to see how too much food or the types of food affect the body in different ways.  I havent’ driven or left MU since January so I have no way to get fresh food um maybe harry and david could mail me some fruit.  I wasted a lot of food throwing it away.  But I haven’t eaten meat in almost a year unless by accident and I have no complaints about that if anything there is a lightness from it.  Dan was so distraught last week saying first he was so sorry about leaving and that he wants to stay … then freaking out and leaving with all his stuff the next day.  But I sure know how that goes.

My buddy Jay is in my thoughts a lot.  That I would want to tell him that I haven’t left him …that he is in my hert and that I hoped he wsa able to have a full life without me being a distraction.

I see that Jack is CEO of a new Tech company that does Internet file shairing and presentations.  I have to get Webex set up.  I have not yet been subscribed to EOTS.  Wayneji and the Family are not speaking to me.  Maybe a type of payback for my not verbally speaking.  Or maybe they are done with me.  God Knows.

Recently it is becoming more and more obvious that there is no “me” directing the show…only watching.  I wrote on blogger yesterday about journaling and letting the hand write what it will but it does anyway (smile).

(next two pages are organizational charts of family history of sex drugs and lies)

Lauren

There is such confusion here.  I hate that I am so much like you.  That I am crazy but I am not.  Without you I wouldn’t know that I am not.  I am so sexually confused.  Just let the pen write.  Everything is okay.  You don’t know who your Father is or was you don’t want to know.  You want to keep him in a box so that you feel safe but what if that box keeps you from knowing you are whole?  He didn’t do anything wrong.  Every thing is exactly as it is ~ perfect.  Let go of your story of Lauren.  He was not your father he is your True Friend/yourSelf.

If I don’t fact that I am like you…I will repeat the same things.  I don’t stop.

(New Page)

There are so many projects right now.  The kitchen is torn up and its raining like crazy.  The yard needs to be prepared for the Garden and I am weighted down right now (not a long now) just this moment.  Going to sit and listen to the rain now (smile)  ~Joysters

2012 03.30

Had been feeling physically shitty which is not a surprise because yesterday I gorged myself on food (healthy) but tons of it…knowing I probably wont eat for the next 10-15 days.  It was pouring this morning.  Went to Wayneji and Kayemommas and replanted the trumpet vine…then came home trimmed the filbert off and took a walk that I felt like lead on funny how I call the body “I”.  Now I am lighter but straving and drinking the lemonade concoction.

8pm

I am hungry and have very nervous energy.  It’s just dawning on me that Dan my not come back and that I seemingly have alienated everyone in my life and that I am at the moment completely alone.

I can see how nervous energy makes me want to eat food to fill up that space.

Watching the Lakers play Oklahoma good game…I have players on both teams (heart).

Not eating certainly brings up a lot … the sniffles thoughts of wanting to do anything to not feel.

Listened to a new age song by Dan Blanchard.  You know ;o)  Richard Bach needs a website … don’t forget.  Feels like anger but without a label it’s just what it is.  New age radio is playing “The Corps” by John Catney weird.

I miss my iTouch it’s locked outside and dan misplaced the Key.

2012 03.31 4:30am

It’s raining outside again … it was cold and snowy all last week and now its warm and rainy and makes me feel like I have so much to do but I probably don’t.

Woke up this morning with the thought “please help me simplify my life.”  Although it may seem simple to someone looking in…it is still cluttered.

I am reading about Reiki Mom would be happy although it has taken me 13 years to look into it.  I think I got scared when I felt she wanted me to heal her cancer and then Mark making fun of me.  Laker’s lost their game last night Kobe wants Lamar Odom back (whoo-hoo) and I (and Dan’s money) got Tyler a Kobe Jersey and a healthy Easter Basket (smile). 

Very body heavy and drained of energy feeling this morning.

8:30am -  It’s cold and rainy outside and I’ve downloaded Windows 8 on the computer and am a bit overwhelmed.  Nothing to learn but everything feels like learning.  I guess it’s really just being programmed.  I wonder if Dan will come today.

1:30pm

Some moments I find myself so hungry but it passes.  I am down from 127 to 123 with 22% body fat.  God the garden tilled and have gotten a book sold on Amazon…Window 8 installed and am buring the EOTS Videos :o)

Dewey Boxing Ring Foundation

Write Jay

Look up PR Lopez Kokanee Beer (Canada)

3:40pm

I am distracted and hurt.  Dan hs moved most of the savings out of our account and left only enough money for one months rent.  There is anger and yet not enough to fight.  Let him go.

8:00pm

Drank a lot of Lemonade today, have to cut back as of now…I have no money or way to get more :o(

Exhausted and Emotionally drained.

2012 04.01 – 7am

Wake up feeling great :o) (April fools) no really I did and it wasn’t hungry until about ½ hour ago…opened up the water main and looks likeI will hike to see where the water is going.  Baseball season starts this week my first year in Baseball…sheilah turns 7 on the 4th and William turns 4.  I think on the 15th.  No one is still contacting me.  I am beginning to feel what it feels like to really be all alone.  The thought has been scary but the reality is quite peaceful and calm.

11:15am

Took a nice 3 hour hike.  Low on energy but not so hungry.  Thiking of Mike and Tyler, Dan and Wayneji and Kayemomma and the Coconuts.

1:35pm

Been working on the Kitcvhen remodel and listening to Pandora.  I forgot how much I love music.  Spring is coming :o)

Mark (Tears) James Taylor Baby :o)  I miss you.  I really really love you and I am so sorry for how I treated you and also I am so glad I loved you so much and took care of you.  I wish I had let go more :o)

Caesar Gomez (smile)

I should say a hello to Scott huh?  (((Scotty))) Baldwin.

(byte it UTFO)

Wayneji…I could “use somebody” someone like you.  Please don’t let me fuck this up (smile) please.

Day or actually almost night 3 of the fast.  Emotions are up … probably from listening to emotional music.  Was thinking that I don’t know how to be close to Wayneji and yet I am closest to him than anyone in the world.  Tehre is nothing I would hide from him (thought I try).  That has probably made it tough on my marriage as Dan probably feels 2nd fiddle at times.  Course he does it to me with Kayemomma (or used to) and any hot girl he likes.  Feeling tired.

8:40pm Very hungry tonight…drank a lot of Master Cleanse…had a craving for alcohol and a hamburger…funny of all things to crave…but I am getting to see that you can have thougths and cravings and not fulfill them.

Did good work on the Kitchen cabinets tonight and I am exhausted.

2012 04.02 – 7:40am

Woke up today (Day #4) to a headache and racing thoughts then after meditation (hard to open eyes) read the chapter “who am I” from Dialogues at the end of the search (retitled “First There is A Mountain” by Wayne Austin on Amazon) and everything calmed down and I added the writing to the website.

Time for a walk and get the stuff in the garage on freecycle.

8:40am

Just called Babers at work and heard him say “hello, hello…pause…goodby”  (((tears))) that was nice.  Heartaches what is going on.

1:10pm – Marilynn Steward and Stan (Hawaii) from the Salvation Army came today and picked up all the food (send microwave instructions).

5:54pm – Full day.  Kitchen getting there … watched Oprah…Sean Penn in Haiti and tonight get to watch “Tree of Life.”  Very excited.  Have had such nice thoughts of Dan, Wayneji, Kayemomma and the Coconuts.  I miss them. Wrote to Jeremy he kept popping up in my thoughts so I’ve checked to see if he is ok.  (One of my dead bodies).  Dan will probably be mad but I can’t live that way anymore.

2012 04.03   (period start  day 5 fast 122lbs 18% fat)

Woke up tired at first but then much better a lot more energy and it’s 8am and I haven’t even had my first Lemon Tea yet J

I was so hungry last night I almost broke the fast…feeling very lone today…though…wrote Tyler a good letter and sent him illusion by Richard Bach.  And created a site for Raffle Dontions for Tman’s spring fling.

9:43pm

well I used all that energy up.  Created raffle webpage learned about designing windows 8 apps … also about vbideo editing and downloaded installed and uninstalled 3 large editing apps before purchasing Nero 11 Platnum (it better be good hand written in later SUCKS (it wasn’t 2013).

I am so drained and epermint tea came today and delious celtic slat and I had my first real bowel movement in days…received a nice letter from Michael J and an automated mail from Mike Addario…it’s meen a long time.

  ~Joysters

2012 04.04  - Sheilah Surget’s 7th Birthday – Day 6 of fast.

Woke up very heady but then quieted down a lot during AM meditiaotn.  It is gentley snowing outside :o) Pete is enjoying his breakfast and I will enjoy my peppermint tea.

1:33pm – It is pretty strange that I havent’ mentioned anything about being kicked out of EOTS I suppose it’s because I don’t believe its possible even thought it has happened and my worst fear is real and I am not facing it just denying it.  I just sat in a Theta Metronome Meditaiton and everyone in the EOTS/Coconuts was not happy with how I am.  ~Joysters (heart)

5:51pm – I am starving right now.  Almost want to break the fast but that’s not an option only four more ays.  I love the show “the voice.”  Especially Jason from Boston he reminds me so much of Cordy (Cole).  I have lost so many people in my life.  There is no You.  Reminders from everywhere that this Being that I am…is empty of individuality.  The individuality is the mask … the lie.

Making san pedro tea today it takes 48 hours to cook.

2012 04.05

Day 7 of fast

Wayneji asked me to speak again.  I am now speaking again.  It is still quiet J.

2012 04.05  11:19pm

Prepared San Pedro and going to drink 20 oz.  A bit nervous but not scared just ready.  May all beings awaken to themselves.

They say it takes 2 hours to kick in…it has a tart taste.

11:47 PM – Finished the drink … won’t say it was easy…Quite Bitter.  No visible results.

2012 04.06 – Day 8

PLAN (the plan was laid and then later I went back and wrote the comments you see beside them with a Big F on the page with the date 2012 09.05)

1.     To know mySelf (done)

2.     To my own Self be True (Still Stands)

3.     To make EOTS Beautiful (Kicked out)

4.     To keep and beautifully maintain MU (Evicted)

5.     To have family loved and cared for (everyone hates me)

6.     To fee people food that nourishes the body and soul (Can’t cook for shit)

7.     To hve a good enjoyable life that I look on with loving eyes (“A” there)

2012 04.07 – Day 9

Bike riding into town to pick up fresh veggies.  Good luck (heart)

Broke fast tonight…not the way they said you should.  Again.  (“F” 2012 09.05)

Back of Journal

Movies:

     Out on a limb (Shirley McClaine)

     At First Sight (Val Kilmer)

     Brother sun Sister Moon

     What Things May Come (Robin Williams)

     Mind walk (metaphysical movie)

     The last temptation of Christ

     Jesus of Montreal

     Little Budha

     Being There

     The Sixth Sense

     Jacobs Ladder

     Stigmata

     The 13th Floor

     The Fight Club

     The Matrix

BOOKS

     A Course In Miracles

     Steven Lives

     Man’s Search for Meaning (Viktor Frankl)

     The Lightworkers Way (Doreen Virtue)

     The Abundance Book (John Randophy Price, Norman Vincent Peale, Catherine Ponders)

     The Bible Code (Michael Drosnin)

     The Awakening Heart (Betty Eadie)

     Pleiadian Prespective on Human Evolution (Amorah Quan Yin/Barbar Hand Clow)

     Into the Light/Peace in the Light (Dannion Brinkley)

     Intitiation (Elizabeth Haich)

     The Infinate Way (Stewart Wilde)

     The Prophet (Kahlil Gibran)

     Illuisions: the Story of a Reluctant Messiah (Richard Bach)

     Johnathan Livingston Seagull (Richard Bach)

     One (Richard Bach)