One can hear the words Rest and Relax and if you are anything like this one … just hearing them used to make for tensing up and being concerned that their wasn't resting or relaxing going on, which led to more stress. It was not a natural way of being for this body/mind to be in a relaxed state.
It wasn't until fairly recently, that the word relax actually did remind that one can. Where did this shift happen? Funny enough, it happened in the willingness to die. Of all things, relaxation came in the willingness to die. It had been all the running from death that had created the tension. Not just physical death … but death of relationships, death of finding or having a job, death of having health, death of being a good parent, death of wanting things to be some other way than what they are. So this surrender began to set in. There wasn't a fighting against any of the forms of death that were appearing at this doorstep.
Although this had been pointed out for years, it hadn't been faced. It was "got" or "groked" conceptually (meaning that it sounded like a good idea …"just sit with it fear and let it kill you."). But every time fear would come … it seemed stronger and more powerful than one could have imagined. There would not only be thoughts and images but also emotions and very "real" stories of things that weren't liked and wanted to go away. So instead of sit … one ran to doctors for help, ran to people to console, ran anywhere food, drugs, alcohol, sex anything to not feel this fear, this emotional pain, this story that keeps repeating itself.
This continued on for quite some time, and the stories were followed and seemed real … could talk to people about them and they would would be kind, they understood the suffering and that just fed the story even more. Then one day, something shifted and this one began to get sick, very sick and tired of the stories. Maybe one had suffered enough because there was no tolerance to hear them anymore and they began to be faced.
One of the surest ways to face ones fear is by saying YES to it. It goes against the grain of conditioning, but it the truest answer to what knocks on your door "YES, come in … been waiting for you to show up again." It is a simple thing but when it comes...when the fear of death comes (which again in this instance it is NOT body death, it is death or loss of anything that one wants to hold on to, but has been afraid of seeing or acknowledging in their self) it will come with the big GUNS. It will say you are the worst and you must admit that you are, you could not see it if it were not true. It will say to you the things you really believe in...like religion (i.e. that you are cast out of Heaven, that Jesus will not accept you or that God does not love you and these again must be faced with a Yes, not to get better, to admit that you believe the darkest things about yourself).
Things will appear that you have done that you are not proud of, things about being a child, a parent, a boyfriend/girlfriend, a husband/wife, about your performance in life, it will tell you you are awful and unworthy of Love, it will tell you all kinds of things to keep you in it's control and it will have proof. A sure sign that you are avoiding death is all the proof it has that you are bad and unworthy. Or it may come from the other side of the same coin … that you are so wonderful and so great that you won't die … both directions are stories that lead one away from facing death. Just say "Yes" to the Greatest thoughts and the Worst as well.
You may be thinking right now … "oh yeah … fear of death is nothing or that you won't be scared" if that were the case than you wouldn't be reading this. In this moment it will sound easy and simple. When it comes, which is usually at your weakest moment, you will see that it is NOT easy to face (once it is faced you will wonder how it seemed so hard but before it is faced it can seem quite hard and scary, frightening even). Because it will be something that you believe in and the only way to face it is to say "YES" kill me...I am that, a denial of it or an attempt to make it better will make it go away but it WILL come again, because it was not faced.
It maybe helpful if this is shared in a more personal way. One of the many BIG GUNS that came this way was/is Courage. That I am not a courageous person. Usually the GUNS are big on things we want to be but continually fail to be. The proof here was that there wasn't a speaking what this one had come to Know. Was afraid of what people would think, what they would say, the times that there was sharing, people would say you're crazy or worse. Was afraid to be around people because … thought something would be said that would offend them or would scare them off.
Was afraid to stand in the ground I had been planted in. Where one is planted they are all alone, could not use others to stand for me ... there was no proof of what had come to be Known, yet there was an ability to point anyone that was interested towards it. There were many attempts to begin sharing and many set backs … ultimately it begin to dawn that courage is not stagnant. It is something that shows up moment to moment … it is not something one is … it is something that one is being. And courage comes in being willing to stand alone … to die to the thought of courage … that one doesn't even know what courage is … until one is in it.
Sometimes what looks un-courageous is courage. It isn't necessarily standing and fighting that takes courage … sometimes courage is walking away. Sometimes courage is doing what everyone else says you shouldn't and sometimes courage is having tears stream down your face while your pants are being pulled down in a stadium full of people. You don't know how it will appear, but you know what it is when you are in it.
Another big GUN is being a parent. It always seemed like I was not good enough. Could not ever do enough or that it was always too little too late. So I'd keep trying harder … to get "better" to do more … but it was not ever enough. My Teacher would say "Better is the enemy of Good." And I would Hear it … but couldn't quite understand it. In the search for becoming better, all that is right here is overlooked.
With both my son's there has been a time where they have had to be completely alone in the world. Where I did not care for them. These were some of the hardest times, what kind of person leaves their child, leaves them to feel abandoned and alone. I knew the "alone" they were facing and at the same time , knew what is at the core of that aloneness. It had revealed it to me (by my parents) and now it was being revealed to them … and yet I knew how much I had blamed my parents for, in a sense, forcing me to see it. And then the years of running from it, and then the entering of my Teacher and the acceptance of the actuality of it and the relaxation into It … as one's True Home. Where once one would have said the most awful thing a parent could do, in turn became the greatest Gift one can ever Receive. But until one faces the fear of being alone, one cannot see what they are In.
It won't be just a saying of it … it will be an acceptance of it … you will no longer be running from what you *think* about yourself. You let it in to you … it is your *fear* thought, you are the one having it … let it in … let it in and let it kill the beliefs you have about yourself.
Once you have stopped running from who you *think* you are, then you begin to see who you Truly Are. But this cannot be done when you *think* that you are something other than what you are.
This is where True Relaxation comes in … that when a thought or stories appears for you … it is welcomed … it is faced and it is seen through as just a story. The same is said for the good stories that come … eventually all stories will begin to fade in you.
Rest in Peace.
"Ultimately all things are reduced to Silence." ~Wayne Austin