March 31, 2015
Mark in Jerome, AZ. 2000.
The first time I took MDMA was in 2000, with my significant other of seven years, Mark. I no longer recall whether or not we had made plans to go away for the weekend and take it or if he surprised me with it, probably the latter knowing him, for he wouldn’t have wanted me planning and thinking about it. He took us to a tiny lived-in ghost town up in the mountains of Arizona called “Jerome.” It had winding steep roads and old Victorian homes and bed and breakfasts at every corner. You crawl up the mountainside and get to the top and might expect to be looking out over a vast ocean and find that it is an endless desert.
We did just about everything you are not supposed to do prior to taking MDMA, however all that is in retrospect. We ate a big meal (which it is recommended you not do) and then he took out two pills and said that they would give us a very good experience that he trusted the people that gave it to him. I on the other hand did not and waited a half hour after he took it to make sure nothing went wrong. When I saw that it didn’t, I took one as well. Within a half-hour to an hour, things started to shift dramatically.
Mark and I had a good relationship, however, we also had many bumps in the road and sometimes those bumps become mountains that you can no longer climb up or even try to. MDMA (or Ecstasy) melted the mountains so you could see the one you Love on the other side. It didn’t resolve the problems; it simply removed them completely. I saw Mark for the first time again. I saw him like the moment I first laid eyes on him seven years prior, actually I probably saw him even more clearly and more beautifully than I had ever seen him before. I absolutely had no doubt that he loved me completely and I him. It wasn’t based on what we did or didn’t do for one another; it was simply deep and abiding Love.
We left the restaurant and headed over to a bar (another thing you are not wise to do with MDMA is drink alcohol because they are both dehydrators). We set up a game of pool and he looked at me with the most loving eyes I had ever seen look at me in my entire life (other than those of my two children when they were first born). He smiled and pointed at the jukebox as the song “Cool It Now” by New Edition began to play. I started sobbing … how could he know to play that song (one of my all time favorites) … it hadn’t been popular for nearly 20 years and how in the world is it playing in this whitey-hicktown bar’s jukebox? But it was and he did and I ran to him and put my arms around him and realized how amazing touch could feel. I had never felt so tenderly touched and looked at. All the sounds around us … everything was so kind and gentle.
We left the bar after a bit and took a stroll through town. I had not ever felt so close to anyone in all my life. We didn’t have to say things to one another it was all just so obvious. However, we did say things to one another and we were kind to one another and it changed us both dramatically towards one another. I knew him. I knew him like I knew myself.
MDMA is like being let out of a cage you didn’t know you were in … like realizing you didn’t actually have arms you had wings but you didn’t know it because you had not ever been able to use them.
When the MDMA experience began to fade out of the system it was like going back in the cage, except you knew you had been out and you knew/know now there is a different way, even though you are now back in the cage and the door is closed, you are somehow aware you are forever free.
Mark died in a motorcycle accident two years later. We didn’t ever have the chance to do MDMA again together; however one time was enough.
His death was brutally hard but it would have been completely unbearable had we not shared this experience. Had I not known without a doubt his love for me and mine for him. When he died we still had unresolved things between us however, MDMA’s effects seem to have no time limit and have continued to heal our relationship in and outside of time … in and outside of life and death.
Besides the child we share together, MDMA is the greatest gift Mark left me with. He opened a door that does not ever close. He opened my Heart. His death nearly shut it, but he left it with just enough broken crack to not ever close again and MDMA keeps it expanding and it seems to have no bounds.
This might all sound very dramatic, however, I cannot relay how deeply and profoundly MDMA changed my life. I cannot relay how deeply and profoundly Mark’s death changed my life but I can share with you, whoever you are that is reading this, that MDMA is worth it … it is worth all the risks involved to have the experience of it. It is one of the Greatest Healers I have come across in this lifetime. It is not an end-all cure-all but it is a huge Gift in shifting one’s Awareness from the mundane to the profound.
If I could be like Mark and leave something to those I love, it would be MDMA and so he is giving it again and again through me. Actually, I don’t have any MDMA … I haven’t had it in years and from what I understand the things that are currently being sold on the street and being called “Ecstasy” are not it at all so if you do it you will want to trust the one giving it to you.
MDMA is not a substance that you have to do with regularity, you might only have it once in your lifetime, but it will be more than enough if you are that lucky.
I have had the opportunity after Mark died to take MDMA again and this time in a Sacred/therapeutic setting and am still reaping the rewards of those experiences.
I know how it can help heal people with PTSD because I have been one that it has helped. I know how it can help people facing the fear of death, because I have been one facing it myself. I know how it can help one through the death of those they love because I have been the recipient as well.
If I can ever be of help to you or answer any questions you may have in this regard, I am not ever hard to find.
Mark in Jerome, AZ. 2000.