JOURNALING
2013

"CRACK"
October 19, 2013

2013 10.19 – Saturday 3:54am – Woke Up Hearing the song “I’m All Messed Up” by Tegan and Sara.”  But this morning it was thoughts of something else completely.  Last night was an odd night … it kept coming up all day not to smoke and the thoughts would be like "sure ok."  Well then when night arrived and it was “Friday” and the thought appeared to again … it came again … not tonight … do not smoke tonight and it seemed strange cause it doesn’t often come through that clear and it’s not necessarily with words … it’s just clear and words are being used to attempt to describe something that there aren’t word to say it with.  So it was a “no” and there was a slight bummed-out-ness around it but then it showed on DTB Photography FB page … 

that it was a full moon and that is an actually big deal from in here … as big deals in the world go … so looked it up and it’s called a Hunter’s Moon and immediately a wolf appears in the mind’s eye.

Had thoughts to go out and look at it … but when heading over to the sink it was right there in the window …

This seems to make it even more ok not to smoke and continue to read Sherry Ackerman’s book … which is quite interesting about her time on a Raw Vegetable Farm Commune during the 80s and 90s in Vermont.  At 9pm it is obvious there will be no Hunter (Joe) and get ready for bed … there is always high energy around a full moon … there can be exhaustion but no sleep because of some kind of bright energy which was the case last night (there was also an online Pow-Wow Dance that I tuned into briefly last night on line … so I’m not the only one that feels this energy.  Finally started to drift off in fact would say that sleep had already begun and then there was a “CRACK” of Lightening in the mind that woke one up and it was just like when Hero and I did the Bath Salts and “CRACK” Lightening … no world everything gone and only the Brightness and then “SHWOOOP” world again.  

Didn’t get up and wasn’t frightened like with what happened with the Bath Salts and in a way it was complete opposite in how it happened because with the bath salts there was a sort of “coming to or out of” and coming to … where is with this it was more like one had been “awakened from.”

Didn’t get out of bed … but it was so “real” it was so earth shatteringly alive that upon awaking this morning it was the first and only thing that came through (even though there was a song … that seemed to come to get this one up out of bed … cause there was a deep, deep tiredness and not wanting to get up this morning).  Yet this seemed/s so important to write down even though it really cannot be written down.  But it was/is huge … to have the world “CRACK” with no nothing seemingly to trigger it … except that the pot wasn’t smoked and had it been this might not have happened.  So all things Serve.  

I am “Cracking” and “falling apart” in the best way … who knew stories are so seemingly thick that Lightening has to strike to break them apart … That (which all things are In) Does.  It comes and reveals there is nothing in this world bigger than That … nothing that cannot be “CRACKED.”  In an instant … even your sleep cannot stop the “CRACK.”  

That’s pretty freaking cool … at one time it was so scary and now it is so fucking cool.  Nothing for anyone to do or ever have to do … when it is the moment for “Cracking” … “Cracking” will occur and the reminders of that are Completely Bowed down to here in this one … no fight for survival.

(5:36am) It came up in Meditation to write this down … The “CRACK” always come to validate and verify what has been said from the beginning …

“Before Abraham, “I AM.”